Monday, March 5, 2012
Brrrrraaaaaaiiiiinnnnnsss....And Recorders
Happy Multiple Personality Day! I reckon that's some bulllshit holiday made up by a bunch of doctor q...Shut up, Stanley! I apologize for the interruption but that guy never knows when to quit. Now, after some research I wasn't able to find where this "holiday" came from or how to celebrate but that hasn't stopped me before. Probably because you're a fucking idiot. Stanley, shut the fuck up. The name of this holiday really isn't PC or correct considering we no longer call it multiple personality disorder but rather dissociative identity disorder. Sounds the same to me just all fucking doctored up. Jesus Christ, Stanley. Most people know that this disease causes a person to have two or more distinct identities or personality states that recurrently control that person's behavior. Can you put that in American, fucker? The language you're supposed to speak...in America. If not, you can just get the fuck out. Listen to me, Stanley. This is MY blog. Not your's, you illiterate prick. If I wanted the input of an alcoholic, horse fucking cowboy, I'd ask you. OK? Whatever. I've never known anyone with multiple personalities or at least if I did they only ever showed me one of them. I'll show you my multitude of penisality. Stanley, you son of a bitch. Fuck off. Being that it's also Brain Awareness Week no time is better then the present to re...Yee Haw!!! I'm taking over this page, shit brick. Holy fuck this is boring. Where are all the titties and horse videos? Give me that back, Stanley. Nope. Fuck you, kid. Aaahhh! That's right, bitch, you stay down. Now that I've dispatched Stanley we can move on.
Happy Brain Awareness Week Observance Day! I'm going to be completely honest with you and tell you I believe this is an event created by zombies. Think about it. Zombies don't like shitty, diseased brains but big healthy knowledge jigglers. They don't eat other zombies because zombie brains are frickin' gross compared to our's. Fresh, juicy, and full of the essential vitamins and minerals a growing zombie needs to survive. Now, you're probably saying, "But, Adrian, zombies are dumb and could never come up with such a fiendish plot." Wrong. Super zombies. Zombie forefathers. The OG zombies. The scientist who created this plague orignally intended to create an intelligent yet controllable army and workforce from corpses. The original lab zombies are higher functioning and capable of such things that our current street scrapers are not with their degenerated form of the disease. Zombies want us to play sudoku, read books, and learn new skills, all in hopes it will keep our brains healthier and tastier. Don't be fooled, my friends. The best thing we can do is rot our brains and maybe the Zombies will leave us alone. Or they'll just go for our intestines. Shit. Moving on.
Happy Play A Recorder Month Observance Day! It's third grade all over again. Why did everyone have to learn the recorder? Also, did everyone get the don't run with the recorder in your mouth speech? Ha, like that recorder ever left the house. I remember torturing my family as I slaughtered notes on that high pitched, instrument of death. Talk about evil plots. Sure, let's give kids the one instrument only slightly less annoying than a tambourine. Fucking teachers. Does anyone still have their recorder? If you do, play it loud and proud and hopefully the Dollar Tree still has recorders on the shelf so I can join you in the symphony of misery. Cheers!
Happy Brain Awareness Week Observance Day! I'm going to be completely honest with you and tell you I believe this is an event created by zombies. Think about it. Zombies don't like shitty, diseased brains but big healthy knowledge jigglers. They don't eat other zombies because zombie brains are frickin' gross compared to our's. Fresh, juicy, and full of the essential vitamins and minerals a growing zombie needs to survive. Now, you're probably saying, "But, Adrian, zombies are dumb and could never come up with such a fiendish plot." Wrong. Super zombies. Zombie forefathers. The OG zombies. The scientist who created this plague orignally intended to create an intelligent yet controllable army and workforce from corpses. The original lab zombies are higher functioning and capable of such things that our current street scrapers are not with their degenerated form of the disease. Zombies want us to play sudoku, read books, and learn new skills, all in hopes it will keep our brains healthier and tastier. Don't be fooled, my friends. The best thing we can do is rot our brains and maybe the Zombies will leave us alone. Or they'll just go for our intestines. Shit. Moving on.
Happy Play A Recorder Month Observance Day! It's third grade all over again. Why did everyone have to learn the recorder? Also, did everyone get the don't run with the recorder in your mouth speech? Ha, like that recorder ever left the house. I remember torturing my family as I slaughtered notes on that high pitched, instrument of death. Talk about evil plots. Sure, let's give kids the one instrument only slightly less annoying than a tambourine. Fucking teachers. Does anyone still have their recorder? If you do, play it loud and proud and hopefully the Dollar Tree still has recorders on the shelf so I can join you in the symphony of misery. Cheers!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
I Wonder if Vivialdi Had a Grammatically-Correct Ghostwriter?
Welcome back, kiddies. It is time, once again, for the Holiday Hero to voraciously conquer another set of amazing holiday treats and bring to you the wonderment and intrigue of these celebratory occasions. Today, I pledge my holiday allegiance (which obviously changes on a daily basis) to Vivaldi's Birthday, National Grammar Day, and National Ghostwriters Week Observance.
First on the docket this morning is the celebration of the master Baroque violinist Antonio Lucio Vivaldi, born on this day in 1678. Your Holiday Hero feels a deep connection with "il Prete Rosso" for several reasons. Numero uno: Vivaldi was a red head. In fact, he was so known for his red hair that as a priest (yes, he was ordained) he obtained the oh-so appropriate nickname mentioned above meaning "The Red Priest"--no commie connection, I think. Secondly, Vivaldi was a master violinist, and, if I do say so myself, I happen to play violin rather effectively as well. Okay, I'm no Baroque concertist, but I can hold my own in the Oklahoma! reproduction! String instruments rule, baby (although flutes aren't so bad either)! Finally, Vivaldi had what doctors now know to be asthma, which is why he could not play any wind instruments. Sad. Among Vivaldi's many achievements, he was most notable for his concerto series The Four Seasons; playing for Pope Benedict VIII; his deep influence on Johann Sebastian Bach; and dying a pauper because the freaking emporer died before Vivaldi could take advantage of his Baroque music adoration...typical! So, go forth, find Vivaldi's work, and enjoy!
Next on our holiday hop is National Grammar Day. Indeed, today is the day for grammarphiles everywhere to come out of hiding and rejoice among their fellows. This day is a day where the split infinitive is recognized as a capital crime, commas are not tolerated in splices, and apostrophes shine in the light of existence! Unfortunately, Grammar Day has not been celebrated for eons (as it should have been), but the world of writing has suffered greatly as cell phone text messaging, IMing, and "tweeting" have become the norm of communication. It's no wonder students couldn't pick a semicolon out of a line-up if the prosecuting attorney stood there and whispered the answer in their ear-budded or Dr. Dre Beats-lined ears. Damn you, electronics! Thankfully, Ms. Martha Brockenbrough began this holiday as part of her quest to make grammar a productive part of society once again. Perhaps, her goal was to attempt to make proper grammar "cool," as the kids would say. Perhaps...wait, what? Grammar, cool? Ha! No. While writing instructors around the world cringe and take increasingly larger gulps of their favorite malted beverages as they drown in another freshman comp paper wishing that grammar might actually be taught to and understood by the masses once again, it does seem that the way of punctuation, syntax, and grammatical correctness has been trampled. I urge you, on this most prestigious of holidays, to remember your grammar rules from the days of yore (hopefully you haven't drank the brain cells containing those memories out of existence) and speak correctly, use punctuation, and, for the love of all that is grammatically holy, do NOT forget the difference between your and you're; their, they're, and there; or to, too, and two!
Moving on. Our third and final holiday is the observance of National Ghostwriters Week. A ghostwriter is a person who writes books, articles, blogs, etc. for another person presumed to be the author of said work. Basically, it is a day to celebrate the hard-working men and women who make lazy-ass authors sound awesome...*cough*...yes. Many books are assumed to have been ghostwritten including such classics as Dark Watch by Clive Cussler, Second Chance by James Patterson, and Heat Wave by Richard Castle. Hmm, I'm noticing a trend with the gender of these authors. So, today is your chance to go hug your ghostwriter, serve her (or him, yeah right) specially brewed coffee, and bask in the glory that is her (or his, I guess) wit and personality. Um, I went a bit off, huh? Oh well. Ghostwr...I mean...Holiday Hero, away! Cheers.
P.S. In case you couldn't guess, today's blog was brought to you by the Ghostwriters Alliance International, founded in Albuquerque, NM 2012 by Ms. Jessica Troy. Yes. "GAI. We exist so you don't have to!"
First on the docket this morning is the celebration of the master Baroque violinist Antonio Lucio Vivaldi, born on this day in 1678. Your Holiday Hero feels a deep connection with "il Prete Rosso" for several reasons. Numero uno: Vivaldi was a red head. In fact, he was so known for his red hair that as a priest (yes, he was ordained) he obtained the oh-so appropriate nickname mentioned above meaning "The Red Priest"--no commie connection, I think. Secondly, Vivaldi was a master violinist, and, if I do say so myself, I happen to play violin rather effectively as well. Okay, I'm no Baroque concertist, but I can hold my own in the Oklahoma! reproduction! String instruments rule, baby (although flutes aren't so bad either)! Finally, Vivaldi had what doctors now know to be asthma, which is why he could not play any wind instruments. Sad. Among Vivaldi's many achievements, he was most notable for his concerto series The Four Seasons; playing for Pope Benedict VIII; his deep influence on Johann Sebastian Bach; and dying a pauper because the freaking emporer died before Vivaldi could take advantage of his Baroque music adoration...typical! So, go forth, find Vivaldi's work, and enjoy!
Next on our holiday hop is National Grammar Day. Indeed, today is the day for grammarphiles everywhere to come out of hiding and rejoice among their fellows. This day is a day where the split infinitive is recognized as a capital crime, commas are not tolerated in splices, and apostrophes shine in the light of existence! Unfortunately, Grammar Day has not been celebrated for eons (as it should have been), but the world of writing has suffered greatly as cell phone text messaging, IMing, and "tweeting" have become the norm of communication. It's no wonder students couldn't pick a semicolon out of a line-up if the prosecuting attorney stood there and whispered the answer in their ear-budded or Dr. Dre Beats-lined ears. Damn you, electronics! Thankfully, Ms. Martha Brockenbrough began this holiday as part of her quest to make grammar a productive part of society once again. Perhaps, her goal was to attempt to make proper grammar "cool," as the kids would say. Perhaps...wait, what? Grammar, cool? Ha! No. While writing instructors around the world cringe and take increasingly larger gulps of their favorite malted beverages as they drown in another freshman comp paper wishing that grammar might actually be taught to and understood by the masses once again, it does seem that the way of punctuation, syntax, and grammatical correctness has been trampled. I urge you, on this most prestigious of holidays, to remember your grammar rules from the days of yore (hopefully you haven't drank the brain cells containing those memories out of existence) and speak correctly, use punctuation, and, for the love of all that is grammatically holy, do NOT forget the difference between your and you're; their, they're, and there; or to, too, and two!
Moving on. Our third and final holiday is the observance of National Ghostwriters Week. A ghostwriter is a person who writes books, articles, blogs, etc. for another person presumed to be the author of said work. Basically, it is a day to celebrate the hard-working men and women who make lazy-ass authors sound awesome...*cough*...yes. Many books are assumed to have been ghostwritten including such classics as Dark Watch by Clive Cussler, Second Chance by James Patterson, and Heat Wave by Richard Castle. Hmm, I'm noticing a trend with the gender of these authors. So, today is your chance to go hug your ghostwriter, serve her (or him, yeah right) specially brewed coffee, and bask in the glory that is her (or his, I guess) wit and personality. Um, I went a bit off, huh? Oh well. Ghostwr...I mean...Holiday Hero, away! Cheers.
P.S. In case you couldn't guess, today's blog was brought to you by the Ghostwriters Alliance International, founded in Albuquerque, NM 2012 by Ms. Jessica Troy. Yes. "GAI. We exist so you don't have to!"
Saturday, March 3, 2012
I Returned Your Book About The National Anthem And Made You Happy
Happy I Want You To Be Happy Day! This holiday is so happy that its greeting contains not one happy but two. Now, IWYTBHD was probably started by the card or candy companies in their greed but you don't need to buy any of their bullshit to celebrate. Just do something nice and put a smile on someone's face. Or if they're a sick bastard do something mean and still get the smile. I guess there isn't much to say about this holiday...hmm...Bascially, make someone else happy today. Pretty simple. Unless you're an asshole. In that case. Go fuck yourself.
Alrighty, time for holiday numero dos. Happy Return Borrowed Books Week Observance Day! Sidenote: What's with the long ass holiday titles today? Moving on. This holiday is mainly directed at returning books to the library or at least that's what the librarians want you to think. Those librarians are a tricky bunch and can't be trusted. Their secret (until now) society known as The Keepers Of The Page is dedicated mainly to the eradication of the internet and improving book production numbers, being they run most of the major publishing houses in America. See, tricky bastards. The librarians want you to return your books to the library because each library copy has been laced with subliminal propaganda aimed at replenishing their ranks and steering users away from the internet. You think I'm crazy. Why would they let you borrow any book you want free of charge? Mind control. Why do you think librarians get so pissed when those books are returned late? It's because their propaganda is reaching less people. The signs have always been there but as a society we've refused to believe these seemingly innocent, sweater wearing people could be so fiendish. If you have a library book in your possession do not open it. I repeat. Do not open it. Take it out back and burn it immediately. This is the only way to destroy the librarian propaganda. Also, if you have a friend's book don't burn it. Please return it safely.
"...and the hot pockets red glare. The cheese dripping from...there. Gave proof...that the...microwave was still...there." Oh, hey, I didn't see you there. I was just trying to recall the words for the Star Spangled Banner since today is National Anthem Day and I didn't want to seem unAmerican. On this day in 1931 the Star Spangled Banner officially become our country's national anthem and for the past 81 years has been slaughtered by countless 16 year olds and "celebrities" before many a sporting event. This is a fact. Now, many people believe that National Anthem day is on September 14, the day Francis Scott Key wrote the Star Spangled Banner in 1814, but it's not. It's today, people. Geez, can't you get anything right? To be honest. Does anyone really get those confused? Does anyone even know today is celebrated? Well, they do now because the Holiday Hero is here to shine light on all the lost, orphaned, and obscure holidays. What would you do without me? Nothing! That's what. Woah. Bring it down, HH. Sorry about that. Sometimes my alter ego gets a little out of control. Take a few minutes today and "rock out" to our National Anthem and celebrate its awesomeness. Cheers!
Alrighty, time for holiday numero dos. Happy Return Borrowed Books Week Observance Day! Sidenote: What's with the long ass holiday titles today? Moving on. This holiday is mainly directed at returning books to the library or at least that's what the librarians want you to think. Those librarians are a tricky bunch and can't be trusted. Their secret (until now) society known as The Keepers Of The Page is dedicated mainly to the eradication of the internet and improving book production numbers, being they run most of the major publishing houses in America. See, tricky bastards. The librarians want you to return your books to the library because each library copy has been laced with subliminal propaganda aimed at replenishing their ranks and steering users away from the internet. You think I'm crazy. Why would they let you borrow any book you want free of charge? Mind control. Why do you think librarians get so pissed when those books are returned late? It's because their propaganda is reaching less people. The signs have always been there but as a society we've refused to believe these seemingly innocent, sweater wearing people could be so fiendish. If you have a library book in your possession do not open it. I repeat. Do not open it. Take it out back and burn it immediately. This is the only way to destroy the librarian propaganda. Also, if you have a friend's book don't burn it. Please return it safely.
"...and the hot pockets red glare. The cheese dripping from...there. Gave proof...that the...microwave was still...there." Oh, hey, I didn't see you there. I was just trying to recall the words for the Star Spangled Banner since today is National Anthem Day and I didn't want to seem unAmerican. On this day in 1931 the Star Spangled Banner officially become our country's national anthem and for the past 81 years has been slaughtered by countless 16 year olds and "celebrities" before many a sporting event. This is a fact. Now, many people believe that National Anthem day is on September 14, the day Francis Scott Key wrote the Star Spangled Banner in 1814, but it's not. It's today, people. Geez, can't you get anything right? To be honest. Does anyone really get those confused? Does anyone even know today is celebrated? Well, they do now because the Holiday Hero is here to shine light on all the lost, orphaned, and obscure holidays. What would you do without me? Nothing! That's what. Woah. Bring it down, HH. Sorry about that. Sometimes my alter ego gets a little out of control. Take a few minutes today and "rock out" to our National Anthem and celebrate its awesomeness. Cheers!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Blue Shirts, Books, Bears, and P. Butter
As we wrap up another holidaylicious week, we're catching up on some picture goodness. Notice the blue shirts (Colon Cancer Awareness), Nook book (Read Across America Day), Polar Bear Adoption Certificate (Polar Bear Day), and peanut butter (PB Day)! Enjoy!
Dr.Seuss Dressed In Blue Gave Away His Old...Stuff (I Can't Rhyme)
Disclaimer: I'm ill today. Moving on.
Happy National Old Stuff Day! Now, this is not an excuse to become a hoarder. I repeat. Stop keeping garbage, fix your toilet and quit pooping in diapers, lady I saw on Hoarders. Old Stuff Day should actually be celebrated by mixing it up, doing the opposite, and not just doing the "same old stuff." Here are some "mix it up" suggestions: Cut your hair, take a different route to work, become a serial killer, start practicing Zoroastrianism, or simply try a new food. Maybe you shouldn't become a serial killer. Seriously. Also, who was the lazy fuck that decided it should be named Old Stuff Day. Stuff? Really? But now that I think of it, I can't come up with anything better. FAIL. OK...well...that's enough about this holiday.
*Serious face* It's Dress In Blue Day. This day is meant to raise awareness for colon cancer which is the second leading cause of cancer deaths in the U.S. Please go to http://www.ccalliance.org and learn ways you can prevent colon cancer and also find out how you can help. So, today, wear blue and let others know you support survivors and current patients of colon cancer.
Happy Read Across America Day! Happy Birthday Dr.Seuss! Read books! Words! Now, I know it's Dr.Seuss's birthday but isn't it a little ass backwards to celebrate Read Across America Day by going to see a movie? I say this because The Lorax brought to you by the creators of Despicable Me and starring Danny DeVito, Ed Helms, and Zac Efron opens today in theatres. Hey, who sold my blog for advertising space? Anyways. Am I really being too critical? Go see The Lorax brought to you by the creators of Despicable Me and starring Danny DeVito, Ed Helms, and Zac Efron tomorrow. Hey, wtf? Read today. Movie tomorrow. Read today. Movie tomorrow. I love Dr. Seuss and I feel the only way to properly celebrate today is by, you know, reading. Not going to see The Lorax brought to you by the creators of Despica...HEY! Enough! This is getting out of hand. I'm gonna go. Remember. Read today. Movie tomorrow. Cheers!
P.S Today's post was sponsored by Universal's The Lorax brought to you by the creators of Despicable Me and starring Danny DeVito, Ed Helms, and Zac Efron.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Witches And Pigs Love Peanut Butter But Not Seals
Let's start today out on a positive note. Happy Witch Hysteria Day! Bummer, dude. On this day in 1692 the interrogations of local "witches" began in Salem, Massachusetts and would lead up to one of the most infamous events in U.S history: the Salem Witch Trials. Hundreds faced allegations of witchcraft, dozens languished in jail for months, 19 men and women were put to death at Gallows Hill, and an octogenarian man was pressed to death under heavy stones for refusing to go to trial. To put it bluntly, this shit got out of hand. A village of scared assholes and a bunch of bastard kids made for the perfect kindling to this ignorance fire that raged out of control. Now, how do I "celebrate" Witch Hysteria Day? Watch a documentary? Hang a witch? Crush an old man with big rocks? I'll have to think of something good and get back to you.
Son of a bitch! Why is every calendar now telling me that International Day of the Seal is on March 22? How the fuck? That's OK because I've got a great/ridiculous replacement: Happy Pig Day! Yes, we are celebrating pigs. This shit just keeps going downhill. *bangs head on desk* National Pig Day was started by two sisters in 1972 from, you guessed it, Texas. The sisters felt pigs deserved a day to be recognized for how intelligent and domesticated they are, usually being overlooked by society. Yes, pigs. Every young childs best friend. "How much is that piggy in the window?" I'll celebrate today by not eating Piglet. So what if I haven't eaten pork in over a decade? Maybe today I was going to make the change back. (Probably not.) I suggest today, if you do eat pork, give the piggies the day off and if you don't eat pork, keep up the good work, champ.
OK, maybe I can save this written Titanic with today's last holiday. Happy Peanut Butter Lover's Day! Mmm...peanut butter... *drool* Up until about a year ago I'd never really cared for peanut butter (having eaten jelly only sandwiches my whole life) but being broke for a while I learned that peanut butter is not only a good way to stay alive but it tastes good too! (That should be Jif's new slogan.) Peanut butter has now become my regular go-to for lunch and has fueled me through many workouts. Peanut butter is like bacon before bacon was bacon. Meaning, it goes well on or in any food. For example: Peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter and banana sandwiches, peanut butter buffalo burgers, peanut butter and garlic mashed potatoes, and last but not least peanut butter encrusted filet mignon. What food do you like with peanut butter? Go eat some peanut butter. Simple. If you're allergic to peanuts don't eat any peanut butter. Unless you're adventurous and have an EpiPen handy to bring you back from near asphyxiation death. I really wouldn't suggest that. Seriously. Cheers!
Son of a bitch! Why is every calendar now telling me that International Day of the Seal is on March 22? How the fuck? That's OK because I've got a great/ridiculous replacement: Happy Pig Day! Yes, we are celebrating pigs. This shit just keeps going downhill. *bangs head on desk* National Pig Day was started by two sisters in 1972 from, you guessed it, Texas. The sisters felt pigs deserved a day to be recognized for how intelligent and domesticated they are, usually being overlooked by society. Yes, pigs. Every young childs best friend. "How much is that piggy in the window?" I'll celebrate today by not eating Piglet. So what if I haven't eaten pork in over a decade? Maybe today I was going to make the change back. (Probably not.) I suggest today, if you do eat pork, give the piggies the day off and if you don't eat pork, keep up the good work, champ.
OK, maybe I can save this written Titanic with today's last holiday. Happy Peanut Butter Lover's Day! Mmm...peanut butter... *drool* Up until about a year ago I'd never really cared for peanut butter (having eaten jelly only sandwiches my whole life) but being broke for a while I learned that peanut butter is not only a good way to stay alive but it tastes good too! (That should be Jif's new slogan.) Peanut butter has now become my regular go-to for lunch and has fueled me through many workouts. Peanut butter is like bacon before bacon was bacon. Meaning, it goes well on or in any food. For example: Peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter and banana sandwiches, peanut butter buffalo burgers, peanut butter and garlic mashed potatoes, and last but not least peanut butter encrusted filet mignon. What food do you like with peanut butter? Go eat some peanut butter. Simple. If you're allergic to peanuts don't eat any peanut butter. Unless you're adventurous and have an EpiPen handy to bring you back from near asphyxiation death. I really wouldn't suggest that. Seriously. Cheers!
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