Witches And Pigs Love Peanut Butter But Not Seals

Let's start today out on a positive note. Happy Witch Hysteria Day! Bummer, dude. On this day in 1692 the interrogations of local "witches" began in Salem, Massachusetts and would lead up to one of the most infamous events in U.S history: the Salem Witch Trials. Hundreds faced allegations of witchcraft, dozens languished in jail for months, 19 men and women were put to death at Gallows Hill, and an octogenarian man was pressed to death under heavy stones for refusing to go to trial. To put it bluntly, this shit got out of hand. A village of scared assholes and a bunch of bastard kids made for the perfect kindling to this ignorance fire that raged out of control. Now, how do I "celebrate" Witch Hysteria Day? Watch a documentary? Hang a witch? Crush an old man with big rocks? I'll have to think of something good and get back to you.
Son of a bitch! Why is every calendar now telling me that International Day of the Seal is on March 22? How the fuck? That's OK because I've got a great/ridiculous replacement: Happy Pig Day! Yes, we are celebrating pigs. This shit just keeps going downhill. *bangs head on desk* National Pig Day was started by two sisters in 1972 from, you guessed it, Texas. The sisters felt pigs deserved a day to be recognized for how intelligent and domesticated they are, usually being overlooked by society. Yes, pigs. Every young childs best friend. "How much is that piggy in the window?" I'll celebrate today by not eating Piglet. So what if I haven't eaten pork in over a decade? Maybe today I was going to make the change back. (Probably not.) I suggest today, if you do eat pork, give the piggies the day off and if you don't eat pork, keep up the good work, champ.
OK, maybe I can save this written Titanic with today's last holiday. Happy Peanut Butter Lover's Day! Mmm...peanut butter... *drool* Up until about a year ago I'd never really cared for peanut butter (having eaten jelly only sandwiches my whole life) but being broke for a while I learned that peanut butter is not only a good way to stay alive but it tastes good too! (That should be Jif's new slogan.) Peanut butter has now become my regular go-to for lunch and has fueled me through many workouts. Peanut butter is like bacon before bacon was bacon. Meaning, it goes well on or in any food. For example: Peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter and banana sandwiches, peanut butter buffalo burgers, peanut butter and garlic mashed potatoes, and last but not least peanut butter encrusted filet mignon. What food do you like with peanut butter? Go eat some peanut butter. Simple. If you're allergic to peanuts don't eat any peanut butter. Unless you're adventurous and have an EpiPen handy to bring you back from near asphyxiation death. I really wouldn't suggest that. Seriously. Cheers!