Happy I Want You To Be Happy Day! This holiday is so happy that its greeting contains not one happy but two. Now, IWYTBHD was probably started by the card or candy companies in their greed but you don't need to buy any of their bullshit to celebrate. Just do something nice and put a smile on someone's face. Or if they're a sick bastard do something mean and still get the smile. I guess there isn't much to say about this holiday...hmm...Bascially, make someone else happy today. Pretty simple. Unless you're an asshole. In that case. Go fuck yourself.
Alrighty, time for holiday numero dos. Happy Return Borrowed Books Week Observance Day! Sidenote: What's with the long ass holiday titles today? Moving on. This holiday is mainly directed at returning books to the library or at least that's what the librarians want you to think. Those librarians are a tricky bunch and can't be trusted. Their secret (until now) society known as The Keepers Of The Page is dedicated mainly to the eradication of the internet and improving book production numbers, being they run most of the major publishing houses in America. See, tricky bastards. The librarians want you to return your books to the library because each library copy has been laced with subliminal propaganda aimed at replenishing their ranks and steering users away from the internet. You think I'm crazy. Why would they let you borrow any book you want free of charge? Mind control. Why do you think librarians get so pissed when those books are returned late? It's because their propaganda is reaching less people. The signs have always been there but as a society we've refused to believe these seemingly innocent, sweater wearing people could be so fiendish. If you have a library book in your possession do not open it. I repeat. Do not open it. Take it out back and burn it immediately. This is the only way to destroy the librarian propaganda. Also, if you have a friend's book don't burn it. Please return it safely.
"...and the hot pockets red glare. The cheese dripping from...there. Gave proof...that the...microwave was still...there." Oh, hey, I didn't see you there. I was just trying to recall the words for the Star Spangled Banner since today is National Anthem Day and I didn't want to seem unAmerican. On this day in 1931 the Star Spangled Banner officially become our country's national anthem and for the past 81 years has been slaughtered by countless 16 year olds and "celebrities" before many a sporting event. This is a fact. Now, many people believe that National Anthem day is on September 14, the day Francis Scott Key wrote the Star Spangled Banner in 1814, but it's not. It's today, people. Geez, can't you get anything right? To be honest. Does anyone really get those confused? Does anyone even know today is celebrated? Well, they do now because the Holiday Hero is here to shine light on all the lost, orphaned, and obscure holidays. What would you do without me? Nothing! That's what. Woah. Bring it down, HH. Sorry about that. Sometimes my alter ego gets a little out of control. Take a few minutes today and "rock out" to our National Anthem and celebrate its awesomeness. Cheers!
No comments:
Post a Comment