Aardvarks Eating Cereal And Making Long Distance Phone Calls

Ring...ring...ring... *click* Hello. Happy Alexander Graham Bell Day! On this day in 1876 Alexander Graham Bell received the patent for his new invention the telephone at the ripe, old age of 29. Damn, dude. Bell's patent filling beat a similar claim by Elisha Gray by only two hours. Damn, dude. Afterwards Gray would be hired by Western Union along with Thomas A. Edison (whoever that is) to help them develop their own telephone technology, which caused Bell to sue and after going to the Supreme Court Bell's patent was upheld. Early bird catches the worm... and becomes founder of AT&T. The first intelligible message ever sent over telephone was from Bell in his office to his assistant Watson who was in the next room and it was, "Mr.Watson, come here, I need you." This "phone call" took place only three days after Bell filed his patent claim. Once again, damn. Now, we can't say without Bell there never would have been the telephone because clearly others were on the same track but he did it first and in 'merica that's all that matters. (Insert Talladega Nights quote.) So, today we celebrate Bell and his greatest invention which we all carry in our pockets and one day soon... in our brains.
I hope everyone is ready to party because it's National Aardvark Week Observance Day! After hours of tiring research (5mins) I've not been able to find much information about this holiday. Actually, none at all other than a couple of blog posts. Where did this mystery holiday come from? Egypt! The ancient god Set is said to be at least part aardvark with what appears to be the head of an aardvark. Set, or Seth in ancient Greek, was the god of the desert, storms, darkness, and chaos. Now that's one bad ass, mother fucking aardvark. That'll make you think twice before fucking with Arthur and his sweater vest. A lot of people think aardvarks are ugly with their extended noses, creepy bunny ears, and giant clawed feet but I think they're kinda cute. How can't you love something so unique? They are the only remaining species of the Tubulidentata family that isn't a fossil. "Too strange to live and too rare to die." Let's celebrate the aardvark today by...umm...shit. Well, you could watch Arthur or better yet convert to ancient Egyptian beliefs and start praying to Set. Totally.
Today's final celebration is very serious and, well, special to me. It's National Cereal Day! Fuck yeah! Yummy in my tummy. God damn do I love cereal. My earliest food memory is of cereal being the first food I could prepare for myself as a young lad it's always held a special place in my heart. Now, I've had to cut back my cereal intake about 98% over the last couple years as I started to resemble one of the Hutt family but that's only made me appreciate it more. Cereal tastes amazing, has essential vitamins and minerals (sure), and is easy to prepare. You can't go wrong unless it becomes all three of your meals. Did you know that nearly 300 million Americans start their day with cereal, which far exceeds the 10 million that start their day with beer. Clearly cereal is the breakfast choice of Americans and not beer as most of the world believes. This is definitely the tastiest of today's holidays since I wouldn't suggest eating any aardvark and eating a phone might kill you. Have a bowl for breakfast, lunch, dinner, brunch, supper, elevensies, or as a midnight snack but not for every meal. Seriously. Hutt. Cheers!