Awesome/Creepy Band Name: The Barbie Crab Meat Panic

Happy National Crab Meat Day! Who thinks of these holidays? Nutballs. Who love crab meat. Let's thank them for adding meat to this holiday's title because I could only imagine saying Happy Crab Day to people and having it understood as Happy Crabs Day. For once adding the word meat makes something sound less dirty. Anyways, back to the crabs. Yes, crabs, those sideways walking, pinch you in the ass creatures usually found by the beach. So, basically they are from the Jersey Shore. I'm not really a fan of crab meat but maybe today I'll try to sample some but I'm not sure where. Why do we have to boil them alive? Recent studies, disproving old myths, have shown that crustaceans can feel and remember pain. So, isn't there some better way to go about this? Maybe today instead of eating crab I'll stand up against crab and crustacean boiling as a whole. Yes. The No Boil-volution? Hammers Before Pots? Crabs Can Feel? I'll figure it out. Save the crabs!
Are you a Barbie girl? In a Barbie world? I think I just puked a little. Happy Barbie Day! Yay. On this day in 1959 that loveable, unreachable goal for little girls, Barbie, made her official debut at the American Toy Fair in NYC. The original doll was 11.5'' and came with a B/W television and record player for a cost of only $3 but this was 1959 so that was like a thousand bucks or at least that's what people always tell you. Being male my only playing experience with a Barbie doll was when my Bravestar action figure would come in and kill her and Ken with his laser pistol. (Sounds dirty.) I also puked in my sister's Barbie Corvette once but I don't think that counts as playing experience. I've actually been to a Barbie museum in Wisconsin, which strangely enough also housed one of the most amazing classic car collections I've ever seen. Anyways, back to Barbie. She wears pink. Tons of it. Pink house, pink car, pink furniture, and she usually made her boyfriend, Ken, wear pink. Poor bastard. It's like a pink nightmare where everyone is always smiling and Aqua is always playing on the pink radio. I wonder if there is a pink gun to kill yourself with. Happy Birthday Barbie.
Holy shit! Everybody, panic! It's National Panic Day! Listen to Douglas Adams and The Guide and "Don't Panic". Panic never solves anything and if it does usually you have to bury the body somewhere in the New Mexico desert. Panic leads to fear, fear leads to the Darkside, and the Darkside leads to being a dickhead. Fact it is. I'm proposing a name change to Don't Panic Day which some people already celebrate on Towel Day but I say it deserves its very own holiday. And for the love of God, do not shorten it to DP Day. Just don't. Spread the word today and tell everyone NOT to panic. Cheers!