Holy Leaping Lepers Batman! The Joker Is Trying To Reverse Time!

Happy Leap Day! Happy 60th day of the year! Happy 7th Birthday to those of you born today in 1984! (My birth year.) Now put that beer down! Your parents should be ashamed of themselves letting you drink at such a young age. Time being man's creation and the Gregorian Calendar, in use since the mid 16th Century, needing to add an extra day every four years only shows how our concept of time is flawed. I know. I'm getting way too heavy for 8am. Some people live and die by the clock. Wake up, drive, punch in, lunch, punch out, drive, TV, and death. Now, I shouldn't be too harsh having my own firm 630am wake up time but I like to get the most out of everyday possible. I'm not suggesting we all say "Fuck it!" and be completely irresponsible but sometimes people need to cut the cord of societal norms that tell you to grind out life in order to be happy. Birth, school, college, job, family, retirement, and death. "Fitter, healthier, and more productive." Not so much. Hair loss, heart attack, and death are more realistic. Leap Day only comes around every four years but not in end-of-century years unless they are exactly divisible by 400. Jesus. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is maybe take time today and think about what runs your life. You or the clock? *This message has been brought to you by the International Leap Year Association of Time Anarchists and Battery Express Owners*
The second holiday today now completely negates all that freeing your life shit I just wrote in the last paragraph. It's National Time Management Month Observance Day! That's right, readers, time to work on that schedule and pencil in your first heart attack. I'm thinking the best way to celebrate is to write up a schedule for my day and share it with all of you beautiful people. Because sharing is caring. OK, here it goes...

0630: Wake up and dismiss alarm.
0634: Actually get out of bed.
0635: Pee
0637: Still peeing. (I drink a lot of liquids.)
0640: Put on pants and walk dogs.
0645: Back from dog walking and time to prepare my coffee.
0655: Fire up computer, check email and Facebook.
0700: Start writing blog post.
0800: Finish blog post.
0900: Walk dogs again.
0930: Take Jessica to school.
1000: Get home and walk dogs, again.
1030: Job and art project searches.
1100: Continue searches and have light lunch. (Usually peanut butter.)
1200: Workout.
1245: Start shower.
1248: Finish shower.
1250: Wander around house in towel cleaning up any messes bugging me. (I'm neurotic.)
1330: Get dressed and walk dogs. (Yes, again.)
1400: Go work on art projects with the collective.
1650: Head home smelling like paint with the windows down.
1705: Get home, and you guessed it, walk the dogs.
1730: Look in the fridge and find nothing appetizing.
1731: Practice guitar.
1845: Stop playing guitar to check out fridge again. Nothing.
1900: Work on book cover and other new projects with documentary playing on Netflix.
2100: Walk dogs. (God help me.)
2120: Leave to pick up Jessica from school.
2135: Arrive at school and put up public art.
2155: Finally get to see Jessica again.
2200: Head to pick up our mid week fast food. (It's a guilty pleasure.)
2230: Get home and of course, walk the dogs.
2235: Eat our ridiculously late dinner and watch shitty B-Movie.
2310: Go to bed and listen to audio book.
2311: Asleep.
Throughout the day add in several pee breaks. Too many to remember.
Cheers!

Pancakes And My Second Hand T-Shirt

Four Completely Unrelated Holidays

Happy National Second Hand Wardrobe Week Observance! Being a huge fan and regular shopper of Goodwill and thrift stores I think this is a great holiday. You can get nearly new or sometimes still store tagged clothes for a few dollars and be better dressed then those L7's shopping at JCP, Macy's, or Sears&Roebucks. Need a new pair of pants? $4. Boom. How about a new dress shirt? $3. Whammy. Would you like some stylish kicks? $6. Ka-pow. Looking for a new pair of undies? $2. Eww. Whatever it is you might need I can guarantee you'll find it second hand and you'll be able to save yourself a ton of money in the process. If you want to know more about being thrifty and still look like a million buckaroos check out http://secondhandwardrobe.com/ and get yourself some second hand knowledge.
Happy Floral Design Day! Yay!-ish. Apparently, and I don't know who they greased to make this official, this is an observed holiday in Massachusetts and has been celebrated since 1995 when then Governor William F. Weld proclaimed it to be so. Amazing. I guess I should...you know...arrange some flowers or something today. Well, after reading more information about ways to celebrate today, I can pretty much do anything which involves flowers. Even paint flowers. Woohoo! Maybe I'll spread some holiday cheer with painted flowers far and near. Yeah, that just happened. Make the world a more beautiful place with flowers and see what fun you can come up with today. (That was the cheesiest ending ever. Like it belonged at the end of an episode of Reading Rainbow. Go ahead. Read it in LeVar Burton's voice and be amazed.)
I've got another humdinger of a holiday for you to celebrate today. It's National Engineer's Week Observance Day! Awesomesauce. Umm...well...huh. I swear to God this next section wasn't copy/pasted directly from the National Engineer's Week website. More specifically the section titled: All About Engineering. Engineers use their imagination and analytical skills to invent, design, and build things that matter. They are team players with independent minds who turn ideas into reality. Many become licensed professional engineers (P.E.s) in order to better protect the health, safety, and welfare of the public.  By dreaming up creative and practical solutions, engineers are changing the world all the time.

Engineering has been called the “invisible” or “stealth” profession.Everything around us and that we use every day has been engineered in some way, yet we may not see the engineers behind the scenes or know much about engineering. Engineering is not part of our grade school education. Many engineers whose work affects the public become licensed.The engineering field is as varied as engineers themselves. Engineers can design and build superstructures or delicate medical instruments.Engineers are exploring for energy and for new worlds in space. They are designing the environmental controls for an art museum or directing global sales of today’s hottest cars and computers.Who knows where the next great challenges will be? Moving on.                                                           

Happy Pancake Day! Free pancakes! Fuck yeah! We should all bow, no, kneel to our IHoP overlords and thank them for bestowing this gift upon mankind and helping to satisfy our ravenous hunger for pancakes. If you don't like pancakes, than you don't like America and you can just get out. I wanted to get more information on Pancake Day and the charitable purpose behind it but apparently people love those cakes of wonder so much the page has crashed. God damn, people. You can't eat the digital pancake. I guess you could lick the screen like a zombie starving for flesh but it just won't have the same taste as an actual pancake in your mouth. If you can make it through the door of an IHoP today and actually sit down to a stack of pancakes please remember to donate after you're done. They give you free cakes and in return you donate some money to help local charities. But if you're starving and broke, take your free pancakes, and don't worry about donating because you are charity. That's not meant to be mean. It's a reality. (Wow, am I really going to end on such a bummer? Yup.) Cheers!

P.S. Sorry about the fucked up font and paragraphs but that engineering section threw everything off. But not because it was copy/pasted. Seriously.

Booze and Bears

We've celebrated a major "no-brainer" today! Kahlua Day: oh yeah! Check. Polar Bear Day: We adopted a polar bear and dropped the heat down tto conserve energy. I'm all bundled up with Artie and loving all the cuddles! Yay polar bears!

Kahlua And Polar Bears: It's A No Brainer.

Well, it seems the drunks get their way again. Happy National Kahlua Day! I shouldn't bitch because Kahlua is one of the essentials in creating the greatest drink ever bestowed upon mankind by His Dudeness: the White Russian. Created in 1936 by Senor Bianco when he added coffee beans to a liqueur recipe originally formulated by the Alvarez brothers (I have no clue who the Alvarez brothers are.) but it wasn't until 1962 that Kahlua would be refined and imported into the U.S. (Took long enough.) Now, many people would give you recipes for drinks and baked goods that include Kahlua to help celebrate today but I'm not going to do that. I'm a pioneer. I'm a loner, Dottie. A Rebel. What I will do is inform you of some secret Kahlua facts that "the man" doesn't want you to know. Firs............... and that's why you should never give an elephant Kahlua. I hope you kids learned a lot today. Now, go forth and drink. It's a no brainer. His Dudeness, The Dude, Duder, or if you're not into the whole brevity thing El Duderino, commands you.
RAWR it's International Polar Bear Day! My original plan to celebrate was to have an educational polar bear encounter at the zoo but without even an email reply I was rejected. I would have really appreciated even the "It's not going to happen because you're probably some nutball with a polar bear fetish. Who just wants to get naked and have the bear "wrestle" with you." email but no. Nothing. Nada. Fuckers. Why couldn't I just throw the bear a piece of fucking fish? Maybe throw it a new toy. Even just check out its indoor living area that the public never gets to see. Something. I'm sad. I think polar bears are awesome but I'm not some dumbshit. I know they're dangerous and powerful animals and I have complete respect for that but I could've done something. Do you think I want to lose an arm? No. Now, I shouldn't take away from International Polar Bear Day with my bitching any longer. Instead I should be telling you why this day is celebrated. Through CO2 emissions and global warming polar bears are losing their natural habitat as ice breaks earlier every year and many get stranded or starve to death. What everyone needs to do is look into ways they can reduce their carbon emissions because it's not too late to reverse the damage done and save the polar bears. If you want information on ways you can help or if you wish to donate please go to: www.polarbearsinternational.org It's a no brainer.
Our final celebration of the day is No Brainer Day! Don't think. Just do. Most people shouldn't have a hard time with this. Should I go into further detail on this holiday? No. It's a no brainer. Cheers!

P.S. I apologize for yesterday's lack of post but, hey, even your fearless Holiday Hero needs a break from writing some mornings. I'm sure all three of you weren't too affected by this.

Tortilla Chips? Hell Yeah!

Celebrating only the best in generic brand tortilla chip and salsa goodness!

Pistols And Chili: We're Not Just Boosting Self-Esteem But Manliness

YeeHaw! *Bang bang* It's National Chili Day! (Wow. I need to apologize for that opening.) What to say about "the soup of the devil'? Hmm...There are many types of chili all with very specific flavor profiles for insta...WAIT. I'm doing more research and found that yesterday was this year's National Chili Day. Son of a bitch! How the fuck did that happen? I haven't run into this situation before. Fuck. Upon further research I've found it's National Chocolate Covered Nuts Day! No worries. (Time to recover, Adrian. Woosah. Woosah.) OK, chocolate covered nut facts. Go. The first recorded marketing of chocolate covered nuts was in London, England in the mid 1850's, even though they had probably been around for a century before that, by a man named Frederick Upton Sacks a peanut salesman and an avid taxidermist. Seriously. Chocolate covered nuts were believed to have healing abilities and according to legend a large chocolate coated walnut brought the great Prince Westley back from the grips of death when all else failed. During WWI when allied forces, especially British, would run low on ammunition in the trenches old chocolate covered nuts fit perfectly down the barrel of their Lee Enfield .303 rifle. Seriously. I invite you, no, I command you to read more about the amazering history of chocolate covered nuts and after you've read for a few hours and have a true appreciation for them, then you can eat some. But only then. Oh, and if you're allergic to nuts don't worry because the chocolate coats and protects you. Seriously. (Not it does not. Do not eat them if you are allergic. Seriously.)
I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it, people like me. Today we celebrate International Boost Self-Esteem Month! Now, I have no idea where the hell this comes from but, in my opinion, it's a damn good idea. Never be ashamed of who you are and never let the soul suckers get you down. You are you. You are great. You are important. I've struggled a lot with self-esteem over the years and at times the lack of has pushed me into severe depression which without family I might have never come back from. These low points showed me how much I meant to those around me and that was the seed I needed in growing my self-esteem back up. (I wouldn't suggest severe depression as a method to build self-esteem. Seriously.) It can be a daily stuggle to love yourself and feel confident in who you are but always remember: You ARE good enough. You ARE smart enough. And doggone it, people DO like you.
Last but not least it's National Pistol Patent Day! *Bang bang* On this day in 1836 Samuel Colt received his patent for the Colt Revolver Pistol and would change the firearm industry forever-ever-ever-ever-ev. (Echo effect.) You may be wondering, "What's the best way to celebrate today, Adrian?" Simple. Shoot a fucking pistol. Safely! Don't just run outside and start popping off rounds like it's the southside of town on New Year's Eve. I can not say it enough. Be safe. Now, let's shoot some fucking guns until our self-esteem is through the fucking roof. I've never shot a gun before so I figured today is the perfect day to try it out but to be completely honest I'm a little nervous. I mean, it is a fucking gun. They are used to kill things. A lot of things. But if I use my head, not as a target, and proper handling safety than I will be fine. I'll be reporting back later to let you all know how my pistol adventure turns out and if you feel like hitting the range today then fucking go for it. Safely. Cheers!

Texas Cowboys Eat Tortilla Chips But Don't Wear Condoms

Break out the salsa because it's National Tortilla Chip Day! That's right, folks, today the official State Snack of Texas gets its own "National" holiday. The tortilla chip, as we know it today, was invented in the 1950's by Rebecca Webb Carranza when, tired of wasting product, she collected tortilla rejects from the production of line of her and her husband's tortilla factory. She then proceeded to cut the rejects into triangles, fry those bastards up, and sell them for $.10 a bag. I'm not sure why today was chosen to celebrate Tortilla Chip Day since Wednesday was Margarita Day and those two go together like PB&J, Tango&Cash, pancakes and ladies, etc. So, chill out today with a bowl of tortilla chips, your favorite dip, and a margarita. And always remember if the cheese sticks together that counts as one.

While you're chomping on tortilla chips you can celebrate today's second holiday. Happy Texas Cowboy Poetry Week Observance Day! This is a two day event which takes place in Alpine, Texas at the Sul Ross State University and is dedicated to celebrating the oral tradition of cowboys in poetry, prose, and music. I think the best way to celebrate today is by writing my very own Texas cowboy poetry and maybe even reciting a little on a video later. It should be a pretty basic formula to write about cowboys much like that of country music, right? Let's give it a shot.

Your Average Cowboy

I Get up at the crack of dawn

I have an accent even when I yawn

Rolled out of bed onto my horse

Said morning to Brett Favre and he said 'course

I wear my boots made out of snake skin

I like to have relations with some of my kin

I spend all my days herding steer

Spent some time in the mountains where I learned I'm que...HEY.

That's enough of that. I promise more to come later and I invite you to try your hand at writing some Texas cowboy poetry, too.

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT AHEAD (Heehee, head.) It's National Condom Month Observance Day! So, wrap it up. Don't want an unexpected pregnancy? Wrap it up. Don't like AIDS? Wrap it up. Not really a fan of STD's in general? Wrap it up. Sounds pretty simple, right? Apparently not. So many people still refuse or are too dumb to wear condoms and that's why the Earth is over populated. There, I said it. Seriously, people. The condom has been in use for at least 400 years and been the number one contraceptive since the 19th Century and some of you still don't wear them. The Catholic church still views condoms as Satan's catchers mitt and most school systems find them too controversial to teach in the classroom. Seriously? If you're going to teach kids about sex and what all their funny parts do than you should teach them how to protect those parts. This should be basic owner's manual shit. Why are so many people afraid to discuss this topic? Take the condom, put it over your erection, and get to work. Oh my God. He said...erection. That's right. Erection. Vagina. Ass. Semen. SEX. Please, teach your children about safe sex and how a condom can protect them from STD's and unwanted pregnancies. If this paragraph has made you uncomfortable than maybe you should get back to churning the butter, milking the cows, or whatever the Amish do. SEX. Cheers!

P.S If that last paragraph made you uncomfortable than, well, you'll see...

OMG! A condom! Burn him!

Sports of Red-Headed Champions

So, we don't play tennis nor do we live by a tennis court and we're in the Southwest so no major ice sheets.are forming; however, it is still important that we celebrate Tennis Day and Curling is Cool Day in style! Enjoy!

A Ginger with a Twist of Lime

Everybody's favorite Ginger celebrating his big day as a redhead while enjoying the nectar of the Mexican restaurant gods!

Curling, Tennis, And Diesel Engines: WTF?

Happy Curling Is Cool Day! Originating in 16th Century Scotland, Curling, began as a bunch of drunk Scots throwing odd shaped rocks called loafies around on frozen lochs. That's fucking awesome. Now the sport is played out on carefully prepared ice, with super polished 42lb. granite stones, and all in the comfort of indoor arenas. Let's take Curling back to its roots and head outside with a shitty old broom, pick up some loafies, and find a section of ice that might be strong enough to hold. Problem. I live in the southwest and finding water in its solid state could prove to be near impossible. Bummer, dude. Hmm...I'll figure something out. Give Curling the love it deserves today and if you do have a frozen water source nearby you should already be out there hunting for stones.
Happy Play Tennis Day! "You can't be serious, man. You CANNOT BE SERIOUS!" Deal with it, McEnroe. So, it's Play Tennis Day... Maybe some little known facts about Tennis can make it more interesting because most of Tennis history is, well, lame. The ancient form of Tennis began in 12th Century France where two players would face off, much like today's game, but without rackets and strike a horse testicle back and forth with the palm of the hand. (Fucking French.) It wasn't until the 16th Century that rackets were added and not until the mid 19th Century that the horse testicle was replaced with an early form of today's Tennis ball. (Thank you, England.) Before Lawn Tennis became popular several other playing surfaces were tested including: hay wetted with animal urine (to keep it packed down), dirt wetted with animal urine (to keep it packed down), cobblestone wetted with animal uri...HEY. What the hell? This is getting out of hand. One final fact: The Tennis court, instead of a net, used to be divided by a small stone wall but after several players were killed diving for short volleys it was decided a change was in order. The original form of the modern net was made of woven sheep intestines wetted with animal urine. Go play tennis today and be thankful animal parts are no longer present on the court.
Happy Diesel Engine Day! That's a lot easier to say than Happy Compression-Ignition Engine Day! On this day in 1892 Rudolf Diesel obtained the patent for his engine design (that's why we're celebrating) but did not produce a working prototype until 1897. Soon after this though Rudolf's engine became extremely popular with many companies licensing his design and the rest is glorious, grease monkey history. Any suggestions on how I should celebrate today? Hmm...Poison stlye photo shoot of me in a mankini on the hood of a diesel truck? No. Build a diesel engine by myself? Not if you want it to, you know, work. Post all of the cheesy diesel engine and semi truck videos and photos I can find? That's a big 10-4, good buddy. Convoy! Cheers!


P.S. Holy shit. I'm a month into my holiday quest already and still sane. I'm not going to lie and say everyday has been a glorious success but they haven't been failures either. There is only so much you can do some days within reasonable guidelines and still be a responsible adult. I don't like to fail and I think many people might be surprised I've made it this long. I'm determined and excited to keep going, kicking as much ass as possible, and bringing cheer to as many as I can. As always. Cheers!

A Ginger Wearing Ashes And Sipping On A Margarita

Happy National Margarita Day! That's right, drunkies, you get another reason to drink! Woohoo! Booze! Ah, the margarita, invented sometime in the 1930's or 1940's by...well, it's still under debate and several places claim to be the originator. We do know that the frozen margarita was invented in the 1970's when an extremely inventive bartender converted a soft serve ice cream machine to make the first frozen margaritas. Also known as God's gift to lightweights, the margarita has been helping people, mostly women, that don't like the taste of booze  get wasted for nearly 70 years and is probably responsible for many surprise pregnancies. (I'm not being sour, honestly, the previous statement is fact...according to me.) Now, I'm not a fan of margaritas but no worries because a bottle of pre-mix was purchased and I plan on partaking tonight. It's hump day and who couldn't use an adult beverage, that tastes like candy, to help ease the mid week stresses. Go and drink! Now! (Well, maybe not right now being only 8am but it is five o'clock somewhere.)
Alright, not to be a bummer but it is Ash Wednesday. Do margaritas fit into fasting? If not, they do now. I've been debating if I should fast today and having only liquid this morning it's still a possibility. How many Catholics actually still fast on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday? I'm guessing not many and that makes me want to do it even more. If God has given you so much, can't you give him a couple days a year without food? Actually, in the Catholic fasting rules you can have one full meal that day. So...it's not REALLY fasting. I don't plan on going to a church and receiving ashes so fasting might be the next best thing. Take that Sunday Catholics. Fasting is said to make you more alert and aware of your surroundings, which in a roundabout way makes it easier for you to connect with God or pass out. Whichever comes first. Can I be completely honest and slightly paranoid for a second? I've noticed, in the past, folks that come into work or school in the morning with their ashes already make it a point of pride. Like, "Look at me and my ashes. It's 8:30am and I have mine already. I'm better than you. When are you getting your's? Oh, after work. *nods head* Guess you're not THAT devout." Was that paranoid? Maybe. So, if you are Catholic, go get your ashes now and be sure to proudly display them in the office for all those Sunday Catholics to see. Moving on.
I've saved the best and closest to my heart of today's holidays for last. Happy Ginger Awareness Day! That's right, planet Earth, today you must bow to your soulless ginger overlords. MUAHAHAHAHAHA! This is what the Emperor must feel like everyday. But, honestly, you shouldn't fear the ginger. We don't want to eat your souls, we could, but we won't. We just want to be accepted as normal members of society and not seen as outsiders just because of our pigmentation. As a small kid I hated my hair color and more so when every old lady I encountered told me how beautiful it was. This was followed by a vigorous rubbing of my hair as if it held some magical powers that brought about youth. Not gonna happen, Gam Gam. But as I've gotten older I've become more fond of my hair color and how it sets me apart from most people. I'm proud to be a ginger. If you're a ginger and sitting at home right now with a bottle of Black No.1 in your hand, getting ready to dye that shit up, STOP! Be proud god damn it! Go out in the world today and let that glorious, ginger hair shine for all to see. But after today I'd suggest going back into seclusion, as all gingers do, until next Febrauary 22. Cheers!

Mardi Gras ABQ Style

Although we didn't go out and party in the streets, we did successfully acquire a unique T-shirt from Walgreens sporting a beer that is special to us...and cheap! Adrian also acquired some beads! Oh baby!

King Harald V Showed His Boobies And We All Gasped In Nynorsk

Happy Birthday King Harald V of Norway! Yay, I guess. I have a hard time faking excitement and celebrating the birthday of a 75 year old man who was born a Prince and became King of Norway in 1991. The most hardship this man has seen was estate hopping as a small child, during WWII, from one royal's home to another. Total bummer, dude. I'm sure he's not a bad guy but...ahh fuck it. Maybe I'll have a piece of seafood and raid a local village in good viking tradition. Moving on.
Happy International Mother Language Day! This day was proclaimed by UNESCO in November 1999, "to promote the preservation and protection of all languages used by peoples of the world" and has been celebrated every February 21 since 2000. Now, I'm wondering, do I just speak English today? That is my native tongue and I'd be saving everyone a lot of unnecessary auditory distress by not attempting to speak Italian or Hungarian. But I should take a step back and quit being a rude fucker for a couple seconds and let you know the important history behind this holiday. This day was chosen to represent the day in 1952 when students in then Pakistan were demonstrating for recognition of their language, Bangla, to be a national language and were shot and killed by police in Dhaka. (Which is now the capital of Bangladesh.) No one should ever be persecuted for speaking their native language in their native land. Look at that. I was serious for a whole few sentences. Now get out there, speak in your mother language, and let's get this diversity train rolling. Lépjünk tovább.
It's Mardi Gras! Fat Tuesday! Shrove Tuesday! Throw beads at chicks and see their boobs Tuesday! Drink too much, piss your pants, and pass out in a trash can Tuesday! Whatever you choose to call, it's time to partay! Well, if you can. For most people it's go to work or school, come home exhausted, and pass out on the couch with a beer in your hand. If you have been looking forward to today so you can go out and get "wasted" than you are probably one of those people with a Fb profile photo of you at the "club". You're probably wearing a $70 Affliction t-shirt and $5 sweat pants right now, with a half faded X on your hand from some bar last night, and a fresh prescription for Valtrex in your pocket. You, my friend, are a true champion and don't even get me started on bar chicks. But I guess today is your day, champ, to go out and pick up another DUI while trying to get your whistle wet from that 3 who lives in Espanola. Remember to party it up today, champ, because tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent, and that gold cross you always wear (even in the shower) does have meaning to it and tomorrow you must REPENT! (I am one sour S.O.B.) However you choose to celebrate your Fat Tuesday just please be safe and responsible and remember it only takes two minus a condom to make a baby. Cheers!

Love Abounds in this House

Clearly, we love each other and our pets are spoiled to the core! But they're too darned cute not to love them!

The President's Family Pet

OK, let's get this out of the way first. Happy Presidents' Day! You know what really grinds my gears? When I do a search on Presidents' Day, to get a little history about its formation, and the fifth response down is about the possible retail figures from today. I don't have enough middle fingers for all those people, mostly car salesmen, who worry more about sales then remembering why we have this day. I bet you can't name me more than five people, other than government workers, who've got the day off specifically because it's Presidents' Day. It's a fucking joke as it is with most holidays anymore. This is a day to celebrate the first President of the United States, George Washington, a great military and political leader who led America to the freedom many of us take for granted. Today we should also honor the brave, wounded soldiers who carry the Purple Heart, bearing Washington's image, and thank them for all they gave in the field of battle. (Thank you, Grandpa.) If you are lucky enough to have the day off don't go to Sealy's and buy a mattress, or test drive that new Kia Fallsapart, or hit up WetSeal for those hooker heels 50% off. Instead, spend time with your family/cats/dolls and try to appreciate how lucky we are to live in a free country. Could you imagine living in Canada? Fucking French.
Happy Family Day! Sadly, this holiday comes from several Canadian Provinces but no matter because this is America and we're taking your holiday. You hear that, Cafucks? Piss off. (See what I did there? Canucks/Cafucks. Whatever.) So, to revise my previous statement. Happy American Family Day! This works perfectly for the 10 people who have Presidents' Day off and get to spend time with their family. But even if you don't have the day off try to at least sit down for one meal with the whole family today. I know everyone has odd schedules but I'm just asking for one meal together. Remember, parents, most serial killers don't come from stable families. So, what I'm trying to say is that if you don't have a meal together today count on your child learning how to sew human skin and you can expect a new lampshade for Christmas. Now, you may be saying, "But, Adrian, I don't have any family." My response to that is...Shouldn't you be working on your sewing?
Happy Love Your Pet Day! Woof! Woof! Meow! Meow! Ssssssss! (That's a snake.) Got a kitty cat or 15, a couple of mutts, a whole hamster village, or a Raiders amount of snakes? Grab those little snuggle muffins and show them how much you love them today. Nothing creepy, though. This isn't Tijuana but if you are in Tijuana...shame on you. My dogs are extremely spoiled on an everyday basis so showing them extra love today might take some thought but I've got a couple of ideas already brewing. I could knit them sweaters, massage their paws, or carry them up and down the stairs so they don't get too tired. Whatever it is I'm sure I'll lose some self repsect in the process. (Like I said before. This isn't Tijuana, sickos.) How will you love your pet today? Cheers!

Air Filtration and Musical Couches

Today is the day to move your couch and clean your filters...so, we did!

We Pulled The Sofa To Clean The Vents And Found A Chocolate Mint

Happy Pull Your Sofa Off The Wall Month Observance Day! Probably invented by stoners looking for change. Moving on.
Happy Chocolate Mint Day! Eat a York Peppermint Pattie! Moving on.
Happy National Care About Your Indoor Air Month Observance Day! Clean stuff. Cheers!

Wine and Wings

Today we joyfully celebrate the Great Backyard Bird Count and Wine Day! Hope you all have seen more birds than we have! Pigeons abounding!

Festum Ovorum Breakfast

Thanks to Jessica for making an awesome breakfast!

If We Don't Eat The Eggs We'll Shoot The Birds While Celebrating With Wine

Today is jam packed with amazing, so let's get this holiday train rolling with our first holiday. It's Gambian Independence Day! On this day in 1965 Gambia officially gained its full independence from Britain after an Act of Parliament went into operation on Dec. 17, 1964. Gambia was the first African nation conquered by the Brits and the last to gain independence after 300 years of colonial rule and 5pm tea times. Enough of the niceties, now here is some fucked up info about The Gambia: Over 78% of the country's girls and women have suffered female genital mutilation. 1 in 49 women die from pregnancy or during childbirth due to the lack of midwives, about 5 to every 1,000 women. About a third of the population lives below the international poverty line of US$1.25 per day. The one positive and honsetly surprising thing being Gambia has had a relatively stable government for the last 50 years with only brief military rule in 1994. (Really fucking surprising.) I've learned quite a bit already in a short amount of time this morning and plan on reading more today to try and understand what the fuck is wrong with these people. And maybe I'll shoot a gun in the air. Is that ignorant? Probably.
Time to bring a little levity oatmeal for your morning read. Today is the Great Backyard Bird Count! Woohoo! Wait. What the fuck is that? You count birds. Seriously, that's it? It's a "fun" way to help study bird populations by taking a tally of species in your area and then reporting it back to the Cornell Lab of Ornithology. The GBBC actually spans this whole weekend and you can spend as little as 15mins, or if you're drinking you could spend hours, taking a count of the birds within your view. Than by reporting back your numbers to the GBBC page the Cornell Lab hopes to answer important population and migration questions. I want to help the birdies so I've got my local form downloaded for this afternoon's count and I suggest you do the same. Do it. Now. I'm not fucking kidding. Go. Are we going to have a problem? I didn't think so. Moving on.
If you get tired of counting the birds than go eat some eggs (I know it's wrong.) and celebrate Festum Ovorum! The Festum Ovorum, also known as the Egg Feast or Egg Saturday, comes from the University of Oxford and is always the Saturday before Ash Wednesday. It was written about in the late 16th Century as the last day when bachelors would be allowed to determine (complete course work) during the university year and when completed they would go to the neighboring colleges and prepare egg meals for the other senior bachelors. The Oxford calendar is the only place this holiday can be found and probably refers to some local pre-Lent and Easter customs of the period but it's not conclusive. Even these brainy bastards aren't sure where their fucking holiday comes from but no matter. Just go eat some fucking eggs and if you are vegan than have some Egg Beaters or whatever the fuck you're allowed to eat. (That's not meant to be an insult I'm just and ignorant prick.)
Celebration numero quatro is Drink Wine Day! I thought I just celebrated this on Tuesday which was St. Trifon's Day but you're all a bunch of drunks and can't get enough. After some research no one seems to have information about where this day was started but they sure want to make suggestions about which wine you should be drinking. Who cares? Drink whatever the hell you want. Pop the cork on a '78 Montrachet, unscrew your Arbor Mist, or pull that awkward little spigot on the Franzia and imbibe. I'm not a big fan of wine, mainly for the headache I receive after, but today I'll put that aside, pop an extra ibuprofen and "enjoy" my half glass of the best wine $7 can buy. Some of you may say, "Well you get the headache from cheap wine!" Nope. It's all wine so why waste more money? Sidenote: My wife loves Arbor Mist but that's not a bad thing. Wine experts have said that everyone's natural wine tastes vary and if you enjoy a cheaper wine than fucking enjoy it. (I'm paraphrasing but you get the point.) Now, go forth and let the wine flow like the rivers of Asgard. Cheers!

The Photo Evidence

Huge thanks to my buddy Erik for his help and the use of his backyard and to Jessica for capturing all of the madness and putting up with me.