I Bought A Septuagenarian Single Some Gum Drops And Helped Her Cross The Street

Attention all single people. Hey, singles, are you listening? Do I have to crinkle a bag of Doritos to get their attention? Whatever. Happy Singles Awareness Day! Yesterday was Valentine's Day, the day for all lovers, but now, to the joy of the lonely masses, that's over and it's time to celebrate them. Today is dedicated to all those who were home last night playing WoW, giving the cat a bath, rearranging their pez collection, or watching Gattaca while eating Ben&Jerry's. I really shouldn't make fun of these suicidely sad, extremely lonely, and sometimes stalkerish folks. Many of them choose to be single, or are recently dealing with a break-up, or the other person in their relationship has to be a minimum of 50ft away at all times. These are all completely understandable reasons for being on the single side of the tracks, where our children are told to never go. Honestly, I have many single friends and I love them all. (Mostly for how available they always are to hang out.) Take a few minutes today and tell your single dude/dudette friends how much you appreciate them and their friendship and don't forget the creepy, long hug. 

Look over there! Old lady trying to cross the street at one o'clock! Help her! Stat! Happy Random Acts Of Kindness Week Observance! I love the idea of this holiday. Why not do something positive and random for someone else? It's as simple as holding the door for someone, stashing a gun for that guy running through your complex at 1:30pm carrying a paper bag and covered in blood, picking up someone's dropped items from the ground, or giving out a hobo sandwich to someone less fortunate than you. Sidenote: I'm not trying to be a dick with the hobo sandwich reference. It's my belief that having a few sandwiches on hand at all times to hand out to people asking for money is more helpful for them. Moving on. This may sound cheesy but I do believe in the pay it forward chain, as long as I don't get shot or shanked, I can't remember, in the end like that kid from the Sixth Sense did. I believe we could all use to be a little bit nicer to those around us and maybe, in the deeply buried optimistic part of my being, we could make the world a better place. You know, holding hands, singing songs of peace, and all that shit.

Today's final celebration is a sticky one, and it's not National Sex Day yet, it's National Gumdrop Day! Yes, the gumdrop, the scurge of all dentists since their invention in the 1800's, one of the building blocks of any good gingerbread house, and an amazingly effective shoe repair adhesive. Many people eat these and sneak them into the movie theatre everyday as DOTS. One of the few candies you spend more time cleaning your teeth out than actually eating the fucking sweet. I'm not a huge fan of gumdrops but I guess you don't really have to be, it's not something you get a craving for daily. Gumdrops are good to have every so often and, well,  today is the perfect day to chomp away until your jaw hurts and your teeth look like you've eaten multi-colored Elmer's Glue. Cheers!