Happy Change Your Windshield Wipers Day! That magical day when the family can gather around the hood of the Wagon Queen Family Truckster, holding hands and singing, "Fah who foraze, dah who doraze. Welcome wipers, change them now. Fah who foraze, dah who doraze. Welcome wipers, Wipers Day. Wipers, wipers. Fah who changemus. Wipers, wipers. Dah who changemus. Time to change the wipers day..." I have no fucking clue where this holiday came from or what the fuck else to say about it. Go to AutoZone today, buy some fresh fucking wiper blades, and quit looking through your shit streaked windshield. Simple.
OK, time to celebrate a "real" holiday. Imbolc/Candlemas! These two holidays are sort of the same celebration or at least in my brief understanding which is most likely flawed. It is. (Going forward the two will be referred to as one. Deal with it.) This is the Feast Day of St.Brigid, the Secondary Patron of Ireland, and the night when she passes through homes while eating butter, blessing hankies, and cleaning your firplace. This day falls on the halfway point between the Solstice and Equinox, when the days become noticeably longer, it's a time for Spring cleaning and rituals specific for women. Women and cleaning...moving on. Like many acient holidays Christianity has found it's way to swallow it up, rename it to Candlemas, and call anyone celebrating Imbolc a witch (followed by a burning and then a light lunch). Clean your house today and prepare for your Imbolc Feast. Maybe churn up a little butter for the hearth or make a dolly out of hay. Gather friends together for dinner, get your hankies blessed, and be thankful Spring is coming.
Time for my favorite holiday next to Christmas. "Wake up, kiddies. It's Groundhog Day!" Pull that oversized rat out of it's stump and amidst the rabidness bites look for its shadow while you're still conscious. Whether he sees the shadow or not we have six weeks until Spring begins and due to global warming that little bastard should never see that shadow again. But, of course, today he did! Fucking groundhog. I really do love that little, or rather large, rodent and one of my life goals is to make the pilgrimage to Punxsutawney and feast upon beer and doughnuts for 48 solid hours. But, alas, I am in Albuquerque and must celebrate long distance but no worries. After tonight's Imbolc Feast we plan to sit down and watch Groundhog Day, starring Bill 'Fucking' Murray, repeatedly until we pass out from eye strain and line reciting exhaustion. It is time for me to go as the preparation must begin for tonight's festivities. Holiday Hero, away!
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