Canned Crabs Exploding In Public

BOOM! Explosion! It's National Public Science Day! We taking lab coats to the streets, yo! That's all I've got... Just kidding. NPS Day was probably started by some national parent/teacher organization as a day to get kids interested in science but fuck that. We'll take it from here, Junior. Go back inside and play with your GameBoy or whatever the fuck kids do these days. Adults, let's take this day and do all the goofy science shit we saw on Bill Nye or Mr. Wizard and never got to do as kids. But be carfeul. Typing that TPS report on Monday becomes a lot harder when missing a couple digits. Always wanted to make a homemade volcano? Do it! Wanting to see Diet Coke and Mentos explode? Fucking, do it! Feel like taking a flame to a large helium filled balloon? Yes, do it! It's all science...sort of. Get out there today, blow some shit up, and regain some of your lost childhood.
It's Canned Food Month Observance Day! Canning is a method of preserving food, first proven in 1806 in a test with the French Navy after the French military offered a prize for anyone that could come up with a new way to preserve food. Nicolas Appert developed the canning process for the French military, receiving the reward in 1809, and the rest is tastefully tinny history. Now, we all know Twinkies can last for years but could you imagine the shelf life of a canned Twinkie. Great Scott! It would never go bad. Get to work on that, food preservationists. Until that miracle happens I will gladly enjoy my canned corn, beans, carrots, and human livers. Yummy.
Today's final holiday is, well, a little odd and in this quest that's saying a lot. It's National Champion Crab Races Day! Basically, you take a half dozen crabs, put them in the center of a round playing field under a salad bowl, and after removing their covering they race to an outer ring finish line. This all takes place while a bunch of screaming assholes, most likely in Boston or Maryland, drink pissy domestics and hit on the 3's sitting around them. Also, whoever has the winning crab gets to pick a prize envelope usually containing between $10-$100. Rad. I don't believe there are any local crab races taking place, so I'm going to have to get creative. This is going to be ridiculous. Absolutely, ridiculous.