OK, let's get this out of the way first. Happy Presidents' Day! You know what really grinds my gears? When I do a search on Presidents' Day, to get a little history about its formation, and the fifth response down is about the possible retail figures from today. I don't have enough middle fingers for all those people, mostly car salesmen, who worry more about sales then remembering why we have this day. I bet you can't name me more than five people, other than government workers, who've got the day off specifically because it's Presidents' Day. It's a fucking joke as it is with most holidays anymore. This is a day to celebrate the first President of the United States, George Washington, a great military and political leader who led America to the freedom many of us take for granted. Today we should also honor the brave, wounded soldiers who carry the Purple Heart, bearing Washington's image, and thank them for all they gave in the field of battle. (Thank you, Grandpa.) If you are lucky enough to have the day off don't go to Sealy's and buy a mattress, or test drive that new Kia Fallsapart, or hit up WetSeal for those hooker heels 50% off. Instead, spend time with your family/cats/dolls and try to appreciate how lucky we are to live in a free country. Could you imagine living in Canada? Fucking French.
Happy Family Day! Sadly, this holiday comes from several Canadian Provinces but no matter because this is America and we're taking your holiday. You hear that, Cafucks? Piss off. (See what I did there? Canucks/Cafucks. Whatever.) So, to revise my previous statement. Happy American Family Day! This works perfectly for the 10 people who have Presidents' Day off and get to spend time with their family. But even if you don't have the day off try to at least sit down for one meal with the whole family today. I know everyone has odd schedules but I'm just asking for one meal together. Remember, parents, most serial killers don't come from stable families. So, what I'm trying to say is that if you don't have a meal together today count on your child learning how to sew human skin and you can expect a new lampshade for Christmas. Now, you may be saying, "But, Adrian, I don't have any family." My response to that is...Shouldn't you be working on your sewing?
Happy Love Your Pet Day! Woof! Woof! Meow! Meow! Ssssssss! (That's a snake.) Got a kitty cat or 15, a couple of mutts, a whole hamster village, or a Raiders amount of snakes? Grab those little snuggle muffins and show them how much you love them today. Nothing creepy, though. This isn't Tijuana but if you are in Tijuana...shame on you. My dogs are extremely spoiled on an everyday basis so showing them extra love today might take some thought but I've got a couple of ideas already brewing. I could knit them sweaters, massage their paws, or carry them up and down the stairs so they don't get too tired. Whatever it is I'm sure I'll lose some self repsect in the process. (Like I said before. This isn't Tijuana, sickos.) How will you love your pet today? Cheers!
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